THE CONVENTION
by Doctor U. N. Owen
Summary: The Cast of The Mummy have come together for a Convention. The Issue: the balance of Fan Fiction has been disrupted, and Cast is not too happy with us...


_Disclaimer:__ The Mummy doesn't belong to me._

**THE CONVENTION**

THE CAST

RICHARD O'CONNELL – Head Spokesperson

EVELYN CARNAHAN-O'CONNELL – Deputy Head Spokesperson

ARDETH BAY – Scribe

JONATHAN CARNAHAN – Participant

ALEXANDER O'CONNELL – Participant

IMHOTEP – Participant

ANCK-SU-NAMUN – Participant

AUDIENCE – includes minor characters such as Henderson, Burns, Daniels, Chamberlain, Beni, Izzy, Winston, Lock-nah, Mr Hafez, and the Scorpion King.

* * *

_Enter CAST. IMHOTEP, ANCK-SU-NAMUN, ALEXANDER O'CONNELL, and JONATHAN CARNAHAN take their seats and begin talking to each other. ARDETH BAY follows in shortly thereafter, holding a clipboard, pen, and paper. He is followed by RICHARD O'CONNELL and EVELYN CARNAHAN-O'CONNELL who take their places at their respective podiums. The AUDIENCE slowly fills up, talking amongst themselves and looking as though they really don't want to be here._

RICHARD (RICK): _Clears throat_. Silence, please!

_CAST falls silent._

RICK: Okay, good. Um, let's start.

EVELYN (EVY): I'd like to thank all of you for being here. Could we please give Ardeth a big thank-you for agreeing to be the scribe for today's convention?

_CAST claps weakly; ARDETH shrugs._

ARDETH: Someone must write it down.

RICK: Yeah, great. Got your pen ready, Medjai? Good. Get writing.

EVY: Today's convention pertains to a topic that has been the subject of much debate over the years. Up until recently, _The Mummy_ fandom has existed in relative harmony with it; however, it is apparent that within these past three or so years, the balance has been tipped and it has become a rather pressing issue for us. I am, of course, speaking of Fan Fiction.

_CAST groans._

RICK: We all know what Fan Fiction is, there's no need to me to explain it.

JONATHAN: Actually, old boy, I _may_ or may not have forgotten, so –

RICK: Shut up Jonathan.

IMHOTEP: _Starts to speak in ancient Egyptian._

_RICK interrupts him._

RICK: Can we get subtitles for him or something?

ALEXANDER (ALEX): Ooh, ooh, can I translate for him? Please, dad? _Please?_

RICK: All right, fine.

ALEX: He said he doesn't know what Fan Fiction is.

RICK: Too bad. Are we all good now?

_General affirmative murmur from CAST._

EVY: Fan Fiction has steadily become a problem for us. At this present moment, there are 1, 380 Fan Fiction stories of us on the website named "Fan Fiction Dot Net", also known as "The Pit of Voles" or "The Pit". That is 1, 380 different times we have been kidnapped, forced into situations our director, the beloved STEPHEN SOMMERS, did not authorise, and suffer for the author's every whim. It did not used to be too bad! Back in the early years, from 2001 until approximately 2006, we had it pretty easy. Fairly original plots, kept relatively in-character, and most of the authors were surprisingly talented. However...

RICK: _However_, since then, it turns out that I have about fifty sisters that I never knew I had, equating to Ardeth having about fifty different lovers. I am talking about the OC – the ORIGINAL CHARACTER.

ARDETH: Of my fifty different lovers, eventually wives, might I say that although I am not against interracial marriages, only a very small percentage of them are Muslim. In fact, most seem to have red hair and green eyes, and usually have very vulgar language for a woman of the 1920s and 1930s.

RICK: Are you calling my sisters vulgar?

EVY: Rick, they're not real.

RICK: Oh yeah. Go on.

ARDETH: I also have too many daughters to count. Usually I would not mind, but of my thirty or more daughters, who have names like 'Sara Cytherea Bay' and 'Anastasia' and 'Berenice', none of them embody the virtues of a respectable Islamic woman. Furthermore, I never seem to have any sons, and when I do, they are usually dead by some tragic Medjai slaughter.

RICK: Oh yeah? Well, it turns out that I have several illegitimate daughters from that "belly dancer girl" –

EVY: _I beg your pardon._

RICK: Hey, don't look at me like that! In one of the stories you killed me by shooting me through the head at point-blank range!

EVY: And I will never, ever forgive Estora for doing that. Ever.

RICK: Right...Well, Ardeth, you seem to have been hit the worst. Mind explaining?

ARDETH: Certainly not, my friend. In the past few years, more and more stories have come out with an ORIGINAL CHARACTER, usually O'Connell's younger sister in possibly the most disturbing Fan Fiction story written: The Rewrite. She usually goes by some exotic name, is always one of the most beautiful women on earth, and is a very skilled linguist and scholar. I first meet her when the Medjai storm Hamunaptra to tell the Americans and O'Connell's party to get out; we fight, and for no logical reason she bests me.

RICK: Keep in mind that I was in an orphanage from the day I was born, ergo, so was my "sister". I can't read, write or speak ancient Egyptian – where the hell would my sister have learned? Why can she do nuclear physics and speak ten languages and be as skilled with a blade as a Japanese martial arts assassin when I can't? _Where did she learn, huh?_

JONATHAN: Easy there, old boy. Would you like some bourbon to calm you down?

RICK: _NO!_

EVY: Rick, they're not real, remember? Go on, Ardeth.

ARDETH: Even though _The Mummy_ had Evelyn and Richard as the canon couple, the author – who is more often than not a teenage girl with an irrational affixation on me – shifts the focus from the two onto myself and my love interest. It will turn out that she is either a clairvoyant and/or was my lover in a previous life, and that we are destined to be together forever. If I may be blunt for a moment, and become hideously out of character –

EVY: A topic we will cover very shortly.

ARDETH: – I would like to say that I have had so much sex in the past few years that I probably will not be able to ever walk again if it keeps up. It was fun for the first few times, but it is difficult to keep track of which O'Connell sister I am with.

_Stunned silence. JONATHAN looks on jealously; RICK looks disgusted._

RICK: We _so_ did not need to hear that.

EVY: So, the ORIGINAL CHARACTER. Like a virus, or a plague, or a flesh-eating disease, this phenomenon has invaded our fandom to the point of complete destruction. Characterisation? None. She is generally called a "Mary Sue", the perfect character. Beauty, wit, charm, intelligence, education – and no faults. The ORIGINAL CHARACTER is not limited to a sibling of my husband. The ORIGINAL CHARACTER is mostly female, and takes many forms: Rick's ex-lover, my cousin, my best friend, my younger sister, Rick's cousin, Rick's best friend, Rick's adopted sister, Ardeth's daughter, Jonathan's illegitimate daughter –

JONATHAN: _What?_

RICK: _Smirking. _Mazel tov.

EVY: – Anck-Su-Namun's and Imhotep's daughter, Lock-nah's daughter...am I missing anyone?

ALEX: My little sisters!

EVY: Yes, them too.

_From AUDIENCE – _

_Henderson: What about my nieces and daughters, Destiny Faith and Ruby Rose?_

_Burns: And mine, too?_

_Daniels: And mine!_

EVY: _Wearily. _Yes, them too. As you can see, it is a viral problem, especially considering that every time, it seems to be the same person over and over with a different name and appearance, and attributed to a different author. What purpose does the ORIGINAL CHARACTER actually serve in the story other than interjecting a few "Ricks!" here and there and eventually marrying Ardeth?

_General negative murmur from CAST._

EVY: Hold on a moment! I have just been informed of the presence of _two_ new Rewrites here on the Pit of Voles; the first is one with another one of my cousins, a one Victoria Carnahan, who it seems will end up Ardeth. Summary is: _"Victoria Carnahan tags along with her cousins on the adventure of all time, literally. She's just a normal girl, so why does she keep dreaming about Ancient Egypt, and why does she feel attracted to a certain Med-jai? Ardeth/oc Rating may change. Bad sum."_

RICK: _Shudders. _It's getting worse. We have to do something.

EVY: Does anyone have any idea as to how we can solve the ORIGINAL CHARACTER issue?

IMHOTEP: _Speaks in ancient Egyptian. _

_ALEX translates –_

ALEX: Perhaps we could all revolt, and just disappear?

EVY: It's a very tempting thought, but once the authors grab us, we are powerless. We may have to try something different.

JONATHAN: Can't someone else do it? This _is_ a new suit, and I really don't want to get it –

EVY: What a marvellous idea, Jonathan!

JONATHAN: I – what? I mean, yes, yes, of course. You're welcome.

EVY: Outside help! The reviewers! There must be some out there who are completely outraged with what is happening to their fandom!

RICK: Uh...I don't think they'll be able to help much. Sorry, Evy.

EVY: What? Why?

RICK: Allow me to read out a sample review for one of The Rewrites. ORIGINAL CHARACTER: Madison O'Connell, "a twenty-year-old adventurer with a long curly brown hair, dark green eyes, a perfect hourglass figure, and a taste for Ancient Egypt", as described in the first line of the first chapter in a story called "The Mummy: What Really Happened", by a Miss Quartermain. The sample review, left by someone called potterlotrgirl09, says:_"i absolutely loved this chapter i hope u get the next 1 up quick"_.

EVY: _Visibly wilts._ What is happening to humanity? Well, we'll have to put this aside for the moment. Perhaps we'll think of something at the next convention, since we need to get onto another pressing concern with Fan Fiction for _The Mummy._ I'd like to draw your attention to one of the more physically sickening matters – yes, almost as bad as the ORIGINAL CHARACTER. I am talking about the Out Of Character canon character, and I'm sure you are all very familiar with this.

ANCK-SU-NAMUN: _Speaks in ancient Egyptian._

_ALEX translates –_

ALEX: She says that she's turned into a cold bitch who lures Imhotep to her and purposely kills herself to make him suffer forever. Alternatively, she's turned into the world's most pathetic character who falls victim to _Imhotep's_ evil ways, only to be cursed forever.

EVY: For all eternity, Alex.

ALEX: I knew that!

EVY: Of course you did. Nefertiri seems to be some evil demonic woman intent on killing everyone, including pregnant women, to rule the world. Meanwhile, I am sometimes portrayed as either a bossy harpy or a pathetic pansy who can do little more than whimper and make everything worse for everyone.

RICK: Or kill your husband.

EVY: Oh, who are _you_ to talk? You fell head-over-heels in love with that Greek wonder woman called _Cassandra Christos_. Symbolic name and _all_. And then dared suggest that what we had wasn't really _love_, but instead was what you had with _her_ when you _barely knew her_! And you committed _adultery_!

RICK: At least _she _didn't kill me!

EVY: _How dare you. _I mean, why are you being like this, Rick? Please don't be mad at me!

RICK: Cassandra would never have done this to me! She loved me! And _I loved her_! Take that, _NefertARI _you spiteful bitch!

EVY: Oh yeah? Well – well – I slept with _Ardeth_ in my previous life and I fell in love with him! And your precious _Cassandra_ is _married_ to him!

_From AUDIENCE –_

_Henderson: FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!_

ALEX: Uh-oh. Something smells like Estora around here.

JONATHAN: Not to worry, Alex. Let me take charge. I am, after all, a World War One veteran who came back to England to study Law and therefore perfectly qualified to lead this meeting.

ALEX: Not you too!

JONATHAN: I'm quite certain I don't know what you're talking about.

_JONATHAN walks up to the podium and adjusts his tie._

JONATHAN: Continuing on from where my sister and brother-in-law left off...

_Glances at RICK and EVY, who are still fighting._

JONATHAN: The OOC is a grotesque perversion of a canon character's personality and traits. Observe Exhibit A – Richard O'Connell and Evelyn Carnahan-O'Connell, turned against one another due to ORIGINAL CHARACTER love interests for _both_ Ardeth Bay and Richard O'Connell, historical disputes, and an author who has failed miserably to present the characters as they are presented in the movies. This is a trademark of the writer Estora. Also a trademark of the writer Estora is the distortion of the character of a one Jonathan Carnahan – hey, that's me! Alex, that's me!

ALEX: I hate everything.

JONATHAN: That's the spirit! Actually, speaking of spirits, is there any good alcohol around here? I'm a little thirsty. You know, when you're a hot-shot public speaker and all –

RICK: Get off the stage, Jonathan!

JONATHAN: Oh, all right.

_JONATHAN goes back to his seat; ALEX looks relieved. EVY looks embarrassed but returns to her podium and presses on._

EVY: I'm terribly sorry for the interruption. What you just witnessed was an OOC attack – horrific, and frightening. When it happens, you have absolutely no control over yourself. You are nothing but the author's plaything.

ALEX: Ew.

RICK: Yeah, ew. If they want us to turn into mass-murderers, that's what we do. If they want us to fall in lust with characters who are not our spouses, that's what we do. If they want Jonathan to be a super responsible, intelligent man, that's what he becomes. And it's sickening.

JONATHAN: Hey!

RICK: No, really, it is. Just keep drinking, Jonathan.

JONATHAN: Well, if you _insist –_

EVY: Don't encourage him, Rick!

RICK: Anyway. I think that's all we have time for on the OOC.

EVY: Fortunately, yes. I don't think I could go through _that_ again in a hurry. Our next topic is somewhat _risqué_, as it involves the authors and their ability or lack thereof to express their literary aptitude –

RICK: Just come out and say it, Evy. They all suck.

EVY: Language, Rick!

RICK: No, I mean it! You're all fucking awful. Get a goddamn beta or just _stop writing_, for the love of God! AND LEARN HOW TO SPELL! WHAT, DID _ALL_ YOU MORONS FAIL 5TH GRADE ENGLISH –?

EVY: RICHARD O'CONNELL.

RICK: I mean, the writing standards of today's Fan Fiction authors have really declined, haven't they?

EVY: _Through gritted teeth._ Yes. No longer do we see stories with literary flair and sophistication and well-developed plots full of excitement – no longer do we see stories laden with talent and care. If you, the writers, are going to put us in a story with ORIGINAL CHARACTERS and Mary Sues, and make us Out Of Character, the _least_ you could do is make sure you've spelt words correctly, and taken a bit of _time_ to make it sound well-read and thought out.

RICK: In other words, with all the shit that you've been doing to us, can you just _try_ to make it a little less shitty for _us_? Just _try._ It's not that hard. Take a creative writing course or something and learn how to write. You know, IF IT ISN'T TOO MUCH TROUBLE FOR YOU.

EVY: A bit of research is always worth it. For instance, Seti I's reign was not in 2000-something BC, but rather ended in 1279 BC. If you're going to write about ancient Egypt, please note that they did not have colloquialisms that exist in 21st Century America. For that matter, they didn't exist in the 1920s and 1930s, just as tank tops and jeans didn't either.

ARDETH: Nor do Medjai live in houses in the middle of the desert with two storeys, a fireplace, a cat, a couch, and hallways.

RICK: _cough_Estora_cough_.

EVY: Stop it, Rick.

_A cold wind chills the CAST. Everyone shivers, and a faint rumbling noise can be heard._

ALEX: What was that?

RICK: Oh, no...it's...

_AUDIENCE begins to panic; Chamberlain is clutching the Book of the Dead, muttering "What have we done?", IMHOTEP is turning into sand, and ANCK-SU-NAMUN is decaying rapidly._

EVY: Just stay calm, everyone! It hurts less if you don't resist – just go with it! You'll be all right afterwards, I promise! It'll only last a few weeks or months or years, depending on the speed of the writer's updates!

RICK: Goddamn it I _hate _this! What is it this time?

ALEX: Well, I seem to be fading away again, so ... m guessing...nother...wri...sist...

EVY: Another rewrite? Oh, for the love of –

_Scene shifts. EVY, JONATHAN, IMHOTEP, ANCK-SU-NAMUN, ALEX, and AUDIENCE have disappeared, leaving RICK alone with BENI not too far behind crouching behind a stone barricade as _"Hamunaptra, City of the Dead – 1923" _floats past._

_RICK mentally screams and tries to smash his head on the stone, but since the author, __XxArdethBeyLoverGirlxX__, doesn't want him to do this, he can't._

_RICK aims over the barricade at the approaching TUAREGS, and a lithe figure appears beside him. Against his will, RICK tears off his companion's balaclava, revealing a woman. She has blazing, fiery, shiny emerald green eyes and lava-red burning tresses of ruby hair, and is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever seen. Ever._

RICK: Meridyth-Su'sannah Amunet Rhiannon Madeline Cytherea O'Connell, I told you not to follow me to Hamunaptra!

_MERIDYTH-SU'SANNAH AMUNET RHIANNON MADELINE CYTHEREA O'CONNELL, RICK'S little sister, haughtily tosses her hair over her shoulder._

MERIDYTH-SU'SANNAH AMUNET RHIANNON MADELINE CYTHEREA: Oh, honestly, Rick. I would never have forgiven myself if I ever let anything happen to you...

_RICK tries to turn his gun on himself, but can't. _

_RICK'S BRAIN: FUCK YOU ALL._

**END OF CONVENTION.**


End file.
